Things we wish we didn’t want
by realized
Summary: Hermione tends to take things as they come. And then overanalyse them... That's when you get confused. [Femmeslash]


_Please review. Tell me if I'm generally ready too much into things?

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**Things that we wish we didn't want.**

I guess we both knew it, but it was an unspoken agreement, we wouldn't bring it up, discuss or laugh (or cry) about it together. We just… were.

We'd sit in her bedroom late evenings, having gossiped about the boys all night, and finally discussed what it was like kissing them, swooning over their loveliness.. And their lack thereof mostly.

One night she just.. Leaned into me, and started kissing me. I was choked, obviously. I didn't do anything to stop her though. I did kiss her back. It wasn't that I minded at all that she kissed me, it was rather nice, actually, I just didn't know how to word what I thought. Not that I thought the least, I just stared at her afterwards and smiled at her. She smiled content at me, and in that moment I kissed her cheek and said goodnight. We both fell to our beds and she fell asleep. I watched her sleep, her steady breathing and the rise and fall of her chest. I'd done that before. But this time.. It was different.

Of course, I didn't think of it much next day.

Liar.

I analysed anything she did. Every little lousy detail.

I didn't talk of it the day after, and I could see she was ashamed all of the following day. It's not like I did anything to ease her pain, spending my time in her brothers arms. However when she excused herself from dinner, I knew she'd run to her room and cry. I knew, because through all of our talking she's told me she did that sometimes, because her family would be too caught up in eating to even give her a single thought. When she told me that at first I didn't believe her, who could not care about her? Such a fragile little light and fairylike creature? But I realized that she was completely right, when the men in her family saw food they didn't think of anything else, and Molly was too caught up in feeding the boys to notice.

So I excused myself too, and even though I knew_, I knew,_ Ron was going to ask if he could leave too, I did. So I told him I'd hurry, just needed to check up on her. He shrugged, muttering about 'who cared for that whiney little git', Merlin, how I wanted to slap him, how dared he talk of her like that? I huffed, and walked up to her. Sure enough, there she was, lying down on her bed, her head buried in her pillow, fists clenched in a blanket, and sobbing furiously, though it was muffled by the pillow, my heart squirmed, and I was seriously considering the possibility that a heart, _my heart_, could really brake. Because that what she was doing to me, braking my heart into hundreds of pieces.

I sat down beside her, stroking her back, pulling the rubber band she'd used to make a ponytail out of her hair, and started running my fingers through her beautiful mane. She sniffed, and looked up at me, her eyes red and puffy from crying, and mouthed the word 'why?' like she was unable to use her voice properly, like it would fail her as soon as she tried.

I ran my hands through her hair once more, and pulled her up to sit. 'Sorry.' I hugged her, pulled her close, as if to show I'd never let go. Because I wasn't. Ever. I kissed her forehead, and lay myself back down. She looked at me, confused, and I just smiled, patted the space between us, and she laid herself next to me. It wasn't good enough. She was on her side, facing away from me, and I wanted… contact. So I snuggled up close to her, having propped my one hand behind my head, and my other hand around her, nuzzling her stomach. She tensed and turned : 'what are you doing?' she whispered. I shrugged, 'I'll stop, I shouldn't have… Sorr-' but she cut me off. 'it's- it's okay. This is… nice.'

So we continued, of course we fell asleep. I inhaled her sweet scent, through the night and occasionally woke up to find that my hand or legs were cramping. But what did I do? Did I wake her to tell her that I was in pain? Or that I had to go to the toilet? Or anything remotely o wake her? No. I was in pain, but then I'd think that when we woke up properly, or rather, when she woke up properly, it couldn't - we couldn't - be this way, this close, this… Intimate.

I just held her close till the morning came, and she woke up. She kissed my cheek, and stood up muttering that 'we didn't want to be caught this way' , I couldn't disagree more, I wanted to be caught, maybe not by Molly, she'd shoo me out of the house, but by Ron?.. Or Harry? Sure! Why?

Not that I wanted Harry to break up with Gin, or Ron with me… Well, maybe I did.

NO! I didn't like Ginny on that level, I just felt so safe near her. And that thrill when I ehm… _accidentally _brushed her beasts. The way she clung to me in her sleep. The way she moaned and held my hand tighter, dragged it up towards her chest and up to her heart. But, that's me dreaming. It must be. She was sleeping.

Wasn't she?


End file.
